Roy's Cure for Uselessness?
by chocolatexloverx16
Summary: Roy Mustang has had it with being useless. He thinks he's found a way to get rid of his major weakness, for good. But has he? And will anybody believe him? Rated T for Terrible Manners. Crack. Enjoy!


_**A/N**__: Hello everybody! This is something I found in one of my numerous notebooks. Figured, why not add to it and post it? Hope you like it!_

_**Warnings**__: Randomness, some OOCness, crack, and attitude_

_**Disclaimer**__: I own nothing! D:_

"With all due respect, sir, you are an idiot," Riza monotonously told her superior officer.

The colonel had the audacity to look offended. "How so, lieutenant? I've found the solution for my alchemy on rainy days!" he held up an object to emphasize his point. "And I felt like letting everybody hold a banquet in _my_ honor for my genius!"

Hawkeye did her best to conceal her irritation. "Sir, that is an umbrella. How will it help you when it rains?"

Roy smirked. "Very simple, Hawkeye. If I hold-or rather, have somebody hold-the umbrella, my gloves won't get wet, and they'll be able to produce flames!"

This time, annoyance showed on her face. She opened her mouth to retort that the rain will, in fact, extinguish any sparks he'd happen to make, but he stopped her by casually strolling toward the food table.

A rare anger seeped into her expression at his rudeness, and she had to remind herself that this was not a reason to shoot him.

Her fingers twitched.

.

The colonel fought down a shiver when he caught sight of his lieutenant's deadly glare. He was unsure what her problem happened to be. Was she not happy to work for such a genius? He shrugged it off. No use brooding over something he can't change.

Besides, he was _hungry_. And there was an amazing looking line-up of food. The line of people was even longer.

Therefore Mustang cut in line. When they protested, he threatened to set them on fire.

"It's so good being me," he smirked proudly, taking a bit of everything. Once he was satisfied he had enough on his plate, he made his way back to Hawkeye.

"What do you think you're doing?" Hawkeye demanded to know angrily.

"What?" Roy asked, with his mouth stuffed past its limits. "What 'id I do this 'ime?"

Riza grimaced as crumbs hit her in the face. "Sir, I would advise you to eat with your mouth _closed_," she growled.

"But I am," Roy protested. He let out a sudden snicker. "Geez, Hawkeye, you should see your face!"

Her eyebrow twitched. "What's wrong with my face?"

He stopped his incessant giggling. "You really should get yourself cleaned up. It's not becoming of someone such as yourself to have so many food particles on your face-"

BANG!

Riza's bullet flew right above his bangs, and launched itself harmlessly through the wall. A hollow clang could be heard. Frowning pensively, she ignored her idiotic superior, and went to investigate the sound. It seemed very familiar, kinda like-

"Alphonse?" Hawkeye exclaimed warily. "What brings you here? Is your brother with you?"

Alphonse chuckled. "Good evening Lieutenant Hawkeye. Brother's getting food right now at the table," he gestured to where the short blond was cutting in line, and cursing some poor soul out for being in his way. "And we're here because the colonel invited us of course!"

"Really? Did he now?" Riza brought her deadly glare back to its original target. Mustang grinned innocently. "Never mind that! Alphonse, as long as you're here, you may as well enjoy yourselves," she offered with a small yet warm smile.

"Thanks lieutenant!" Al replied with a smile in his voice. He then jogged over to his brother and gestured animatedly in the soldiers' direction.

Edward looked their way, and regretted it instantly. He shot a grin at Hawkeye, of course. However, the stupid colonel was smiling brightly, and waving at him enthusiastically. Ed scowled at his excitement, and went back to his heaping serving of pasta.

Al sighed. "Brother, you're supposed to be happy for Colonel Mustang. I mean, he found a cure for his ultimate weakness, didn't he?"

Ed laughed mirthlessly. "I don't know about that, Al. It seems too easy."

.

"Well, Colonel Useless, party's over. Are you going to show us your miraculous cure?"

Roy Mustang smirked. "All you had to do was ask, small fry."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN FIT BETWEEN THE CRACKS OF THE PAVEMENT?" Ed ranted, beet red in the face.

Al restrained the angry one, whilst Riza glared at the smug one. Somehow, the two were impressive at stopping the fighting in its tracks.

The colonel cleared his throat. "Shall we step outside? The rain is in full force tonight."

Ed glared up at him. "It sure is! But your flames won't be!"

Al sighed. "Brother…"

"Well, they won't!"

Hawkeye piped up. "Actually, I agree with Edward. This is not going to work."

Mustang faltered a little at her bluntness, but persevered. "Erm, who would like the honor of holding my umbrella?"

"I'll do it!" Al volunteered.

"Thank you, Alphonse! You're so helpful, unlike someone else I know," Roy glanced pointedly at Edward. "Eh, Fullmetal?"

Ed rolled his eyes, but didn't take the bait. He figured Roy's failure of an experiment would be reward enough.

Roy stared at the umbrella sheltering his head-and his gloves-and slowly, very slowly, poised to snap. The lack of speed was for dramatic effect, of course. He was in no way nervous. Not one bit.

He snapped. The spark was very much alive! He did it! It was so beautiful…

… And then it left the safety of the umbrella's protection, where it fizzled out of existence.

"AHA! I _knew_ it wouldn't work!"

"I was _so_ sure it was going to work!"

"Everybody will be so disappointed when they find out you lied, sir."

Colonel Mustang covered his face in despair. He failed! How could he have failed, when it worked perfectly last time?!

"Last time you tested this, it was a sunny day, sir," Hawkeye answered, even though he didn't actually voice his thoughts. All three stared warily at her, which she ignored.

She faced her superior and smiled at him for the first time that day. "I guess it just can't be helped. You'll always be useless in the rain, sir."

For the first time in Mustang's life, he didn't fall over all distraught. He almost felt like he… accepted the truth.

_About damn time._

_**A/N**__: Well, I dunno where all of that came from XD Oh well, hope you found something you liked from all this… stuff x3_

_Peace and love!_

_chocolatexloverxl6_


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